In the middle of writing another post I started to write
about this topic, and realized that it deserved it’s own post. The question is this…
If you are talking to someone, and your intention is to, in
a relatively soft way, ask them to think about changing some behavior… and they
take it as harsh criticism… who is at fault?
Who is responsible for how communication is heard?
My money is on you saying ‘they took me the wrong way’. If you listen to the people around you speak,
that is definitely what you will hear when something like this happens. Someone’s feelings are hurt, and the person
who did the ‘hurting’ will state that the other person took them, or what they
said, the wrong way. “I didn’t mean to
say that”! or “That’s not what I
said”! Followed by “they took it the
wrong way”.
I’m here to tell you that “they” did NOT take you
wrong. YOU said it wrong. That’s right…
You, the person doing the communicating, are responsible for how your
words are heard. 100% responsible.
Yes, I can hear you now…
That’s crazy! You don’t know the people I work with! I said it in a quiet voice, and they heard it
the way they wanted to hear it. Go on..
get it all out. All done? Good…
Now… let’s talk about this.
As leaders we know that empathy is a mandatory skill. Some of us have it in spades, while others
have to work at it, and stay on our guard to be sure we are picking up on how
the person we are communicating with is feeling. Whether it’s natural for us or not, we must
understand how the other person is feeling, and how they are reacting to what
we are saying. We need to be picking up,
second by second, whether the listener is taking what we are saying the way in which we
intend. We can see facial expressions
and body language, in addition to their verbal responses to what we are
communicating. If we get anything other
than exactly what we expect to get, it’s our responsibility to fix it right
then and there. I should add here that it takes emotional intelligence to be sure of exactly what we intend. It is certainly possible that we are harboring a grudge against this person, and deep down our intention could be to hurt their feelings. We'll move forward with this discussion with the understanding that this is not what is happening.
If, in our example, I might pull a team members aside, and
in private tell them that I think they came across a little disinterested to
that customer. The customer had a kind
of a smirk on his face as he walked away. And, I simply ask that my team member
understand how sometimes we can come across in ways other than we intend, so
please pay attention to customer’s facial expressions… if the customer doesn’t
leave you with a genuine smile, it’s a sign that something didn’t go as
planned, and if so, please check in with them to be sure they are leaving you genuinely happy. Simple, right? Not so much…
After working in Leadership roles in restaurants, retail
outlets, and upscale grocery stores over many years, I have given this exact
feedback to many dozens of team members. Many
of the hourly employees in these workplaces are younger people, working with
the public for the first time. Focusing
on the customer enough to pick up on their reaction to what we say, or how we
say it, is something we all have to learn.
Most of us need to hear it out loud, and often more than once. In our late teens/early 20’s we are easily
distracted and providing outstanding customer service may not be the most
important thing to us. Does that mean
these young people have heard this type of feedback before? Does it mean they welcome feedback that will
make them better at their job, better at life in fact? No… no it does not.
For many people new to the workplace this kind of feedback
will be heard (at least at first) as harsh and ultra critical no matter how it
is delivered. That does not relieve me
of the responsibility for how it is heard.
It’s up to me, the Leader, and person delivering the communication, to
see how it is taken and if necessary say it differently until they get it in
the way I intend.
This happens just as often with adults as with younger team
members. Once we are into our 20’s and
older I’ve found it’s pretty normal for people to feel that they’ve got it all
figured out. If they haven’t heard that
some behavior is a problem by then, it’s not their problem, it’s your
problem! Aging does not necessarily mean
becoming more open to feedback.
What will help in this process is being consistent in your
Leadership, expecting the same commitment to service (or whatever) from every
team member, always delivering feedback in private, giving feedback promptly,
keeping your emotions in check, properly indoctrinating your new hires so they
know your standards up front, understand that you will be giving them feedback
like this, and understand that you care about them and their goals, and always
providing the best example for them yourself.
Over time these things will help build trust between you and your team
members, and when you speak to them they will come to know that it comes from a
place of respect, and is not meant to be derogatory or hurtful. See Hiring part 15 for more on indoctrination...
The next time you start to say “they took it wrong” you will
know that something needs to be fixed.
Do it right away.
Oh… and if you like the blog please like my facebook
page. Thank you!
No comments:
Post a Comment