We didn’t really talk about what our conversation should
actually look like, did we? There are
lot’s of different ways to speak to a team member about a behavior that needs
to change… too many of them are not appropriate for someone who would call
themselves a Leader. I doubt that I’m
alone in saying I have been on the receiving end of a conversation about
something I was doing wrong, or not doing, that sounded like an angry adult who
was not in control of their emotions yelling at a child. I have been talked down to, told to shut up,
shut up and listen, what you (I) have to say is not important here, that I had
no business asking any questions, and more craziness than I care to get into. How do you think a team member on the
receiving end of these kinds of comments feels about their boss, and about
their job? Do you think they are
invested in the success of the business?
Do you think they respect the boss, or care whether or not the boss
achieves his or her goals? NO… the
answer is no.
So, Steve you ask… just how should a conversation to get a
team member to change their behavior go?
Well I’ll tell you. Just shut up
and listen! Ha!
Here is a key… before doing anything like having a
conversation that could easily go wrong; we should set an intention for
ourselves. What does that mean you
ask? Well… what is my intention in
speaking with you about your behavior? You
are a team member on my team. There is a
high probability that I have 1 or 2 team members that I do not want on my team
and I am working to get off the team (you may have a higher number that you
want off your team, and we’ll deal with that later). We’ll ignore them for now. You are one of the other team members, and
you are doing something that I need to ask you to stop doing. So… in general, I am doing my best to be a
Leader, right? So I want you on my
team. I respect you as a person. I am interested in helping you achieve your
goals. I want you to succeed. I want you to feel like an important and
valued part of the team. All of these
things are true, right!? If you want to
be a good leader, and you have been reading the books, and you want to achieve
your goals, then all of these things are true OR you are convincing yourself
that they are true as best you can, and acting as if they were true.
My intention for our conversation then, is simply to talk to
you about whatever behavior needs to change, and have you leave the room
knowing all of those statements above are true, AND knowing that you are doing
something that is not acceptable and you need to stop doing it. If I take the time to set that intention
before our talk I am much more likely to be able to start the meeting in a way
that allows you to hear what I mean to say.
I’m much more likely to be able to speak from my heart without any fears
messing it up. If I set that intention I
am more likely to be able to keep my emotions in check if you get defensive, or
feel attacked and attack me back. I
won’t feel threatened by any of that, since I have just reinforced my feelings
about you and the talk we need to have. I
know that sometimes people feel attacked and get defensive, and it’s not about
me. I will be able to keep my head, and
bring the conversation back to the behavior that needs to change, without any
emotional interference.
Before going into a meeting you might set an intention to be
supportive of your team Leader, even though you rarely see eye to eye. You might set an intention, when talking to
one of those people you want to get off the team, to have them leave the room
knowing that you respect them as a person AND their attitude and/or behavior
will no longer be acceptable. It’s about
their behavior, not their value as a person, and so we will be more able to
keep our emotions in check. Their
defensiveness, emotional outbursts, verbal attacks, or blaming of others need
not impact your emotional state. You
have set an intention of being there to deliver a message… this is the first
step in moving you off this team and off to another job where you will be a
better fit. There is no reason to get
involved in their drama.
Setting an intention sets the scene. It reinforces our emotional state. Setting an intention is a great practice, in
particular before doing something we often mess up. For instance, if you often have a tough time
dealing with the kids… getting them involved with something and allowing it to
turn out however it turns out, try setting an intention beforehand. Decide that you are going to let the kids
help with dinner, and it doesn’t matter what happens. The important part for them is spending time
with you having fun. You can always
piece together something that is actually edible later, or better yet plan if
beforehand. If you set the intention
that the outcome doesn’t matter, you will probably have a better time playing
with the kids, allowing them to be kids.
You can set an intention about anything, from dealing with that jerk
down the hall, to accepting your commute and getting home in a better mood. Try it and see for yourself.
So… I think we’ll have to take up what our conversation with
that team member should actually sound like the next time, as talking about
setting an intention took much longer than I thought.
Oh… and if you like the blog please like my facebook
page. Thank you!
No comments:
Post a Comment