What To Look For In A Mentor.... How To Find A Mentor

So we've talked quite a lot about the importance of finding and working with a therapist, coach, or mentor.  Remember that Leadership is not a list of things we do or do not do... it is not remembering to appreciate, give credit, or build relationships.  We act like Leaders because of how we see ourselves, the world around us, as well as our relationship with that world.  If we see the world as an abundant place, where there is plenty to go around and enough for everyone, we are able to give credit, and surround ourselves with people who are better than we are.  If we see the world as a scary place, where there in not enough, where we have to fight for everything we have and get, then we will not be able to share, give credit, or work with people who might be better than we are.

So really, being a good Leader is about changing the way we see the world.  It's about losing our fears and prejudices, and living our lives with more love, concern, and consideration for those around us.  In order to act like Leaders, we need to be free to trust in others; give away credit; allow others the freedom to make mistakes; share information, and be transparent in everything we do.

There are those who would argue that we are born this way, however once we are in our late teens/twenties most of us are no longer in this place.  We are not always able to look at ourselves objectively and honestly.  Navigating middle school and high school, along with friendships and teenage angst, can teach us how to rationalize and justify our action.  We can find ourselves with a skewed view of the world around us; and see ourselves as we would like to be, rather than how we actually are.

In order to be effective and true Leaders, we need to work on self-awareness, and gain an accurate picture of how we are.  We need to stop rationalizing and justifying if we are to be honest and transparent with those we wish to Lead.  These habits are now ingrained, and not easy to break.  Please do not kid yourself and think that you are not like this, or that you can change yourself without any outside help.  It's almost impossible to get an accurate and honest picture of how we are without the help of an objective observer, who has our best interest at heart... a therapist, coach, or mentor.  

Talking to someone who is probably older, with much more experience can be intimidating, and scary.  So... some of you might agree that having someone to ask questions or bounce ideas off would be good, however you might hesitate to ask someone you don't know to be your mentor.  You might think that you will ask a friend or coworker, and that would be a mistake.

The job of mentor or coach includes telling us what we need to hear... disagreeing with us, and giving us an honest assessment of our decisions and behaviors.  Our friends or coworkers are generally not going to be able to do this for us, even with the best of intentions.  It takes a real commitment, and we must really care for someone in order to tell him or her what he or she doesn't want to hear but need to hear.  It takes emotional detachment that our friends or coworkers do not have.  If you are serious about being a better Leader, please do not try to use a friend or coworker as a coach or mentor.  Although these two terms can have different meanings, for this purpose I’m using them interchangeably. 

OK... We'll assume that you agree that you should have a mentor or coach... what about that therapist I mentioned a bit ago?  Well... 

If you think that most people have the wrong impression of you; if you regularly disagree with the feedback your boss gives to you; if you don't see any reason you would apologize for your behavior; you feel that there are very few people who are trustworthy; or if you find yourself often angry or frustrated with other people, you would probably benefit from working with a therapist.  If you read this blog, or other books or articles about Leadership and absolutely disagree with how to treat the people around you, you should seriously think about talking to a therapist, as opposed to a coach or mentor.

The difference between a therapist and a coach or mentor is that a therapist went to school specifically to help us get an understanding of why we do the things we do, as well as how to help us change the behaviors we want to change.  They have been trained to help people without getting emotionally involved, so they can see us and our view of the world, as well as our behaviors, from a detached and yet interested point of view.  In order to be the best Leaders we can be, we have to understand ourselves, and know why we do the things we do and don't do.  Therapists are trained to help us achieve this understanding, and are uniquely equipped to help us achieve our goals.

OK... so now that you know why you should have a mentor, coach, or therapist, you would probably like some ideas on how to choose the right coach or mentor.

The right mentor will have the kind of life and work that you would like to have.  You will have to decide exactly what this look like for yourself, and I suggest you find someone who values a decent work/life balance.

The right mentor is someone you are not sexually attracted to.

The right mentor will be someone who continues to learn and challenge him or herself.  Not someone with fixed views and opinions that cannot be challenged.  Someone who is closed minded is not likely to be able to give you what you need.

The right mentor should not be a reflection of you, however they should probably be enough like you that the two of you can easily understand one another.  If you are a real introvert, you might want to choose a mentor who is either somewhat introverted, or can demonstrate a good understanding of true introverts… non-introverts can have a hard time understanding true introverts.

The right mentor will want to know something about you… a very successful and busy mentor might only want to mentor people who they believe are on a good career track, with a great work history and recommendations.  Even if they aren’t this picky, they should show some interest in who you are, and how they will be able to benefit you.

The right mentor will be a good listener… they will listen to fully understand what you are saying, and how you feel about what you are saying before they answer you.  They will not interrupt you, unless you are being disrespectful, making excuses, or perhaps justifying/rationalizing your behavior.

The right mentor will have obvious Leadership qualities, like honesty, transparency, generosity, willing to extend trust, self-awareness, and self-discipline…  While we cannot expect our mentor to be perfect, there are a couple of qualities that we should not do without, like character, trust, and a positive attitude. 

Since you are already in a Leadership position, and you want to become the best Leader you can be, you should do your best to choose someone who is an actual Leader; who values Leadership qualities.  That means someone who is known to be emotionally intelligent, who does not micromanage, who extends trust, and who has developed other Leaders.  Some who has achievements that impress you.

The right mentor will be outside of your normal chain of reporting relationships.   So if you choose a mentor from your company, they might be someone with more experience in a position similar to yours, or in a higher position.  Just make sure that you let your boss know what you are doing, and that your mentor is not someone who your boss, or her boss answers to… that might be awkward. 

The right mentor should be someone you feel comfortable with… someone with whom you can be yourself.  You will have to be open and brutally honest with them, so you must be able to feel comfortable with them, and fully trust them.  The relationship should be respectful, and not be too formal.

The right mentor will push for you to get out of your comfort zones.  We love to stay with what we know and are comfortable with, and we often need to be pushed to try something new.  The right mentor will push us, as well as help us choose the right stretch goals, and help us prepare to be successful.

The right mentor will occasionally give you an answer, however most of the time they should be helping you figure things out for yourself.  You will learn less from a person who tells you what to do than you will from someone who helps you develop your own solutions.

Remember… very few people can teach us to be better than they are.  So, for example, if you choose someone with poor communication skills, they will probably not be of much help in developing your communication skills.  If they only have one go-to Leadership style, they will probably not be able to help you develop the ability to utilize a different style.

The right mentor will be open and honest about their own life, and share their failings and mistakes with you.  This makes them human, builds trust and a stronger relationship.  Everyone has a whole list of mistakes… if the person you have chosen doesn’t admit to any… well… perhaps it’s just a red flag.

Next, you’ll want to write down, yes write down your goals for this relationship.  What do you need help with?  In what ways will your mentor help you?  You’ve been reading along right?  So you know that self-awareness is one of the keys to being a good Leader, right?  You’ve been reading the books I’ve suggested, right? 

So you have a pretty good idea of what you need help with, and you put together a list.  This list will help you narrow down your choices, because you want to choose someone who’s strengths are some of your areas of improvement.  You should also write down your strengths and weaknesses, as well as your short and long-term goals.

So you’ll make a list of people you admire; people who are successful in your company; respected people in your community; respected colleagues; and perhaps a few people you don’t know personally yet, and respect and would like to get to know.  Now cross off any and all that you are attracted to.  It can be tempting to leave them on the list… don’t do it.

Now you have a narrowed down list of possible mentors.  It’s time to do some research… get on-line and find out everything you can about each of them.  Through this process you might end up crossing more off the list.  Make sure they have the same values that you do.  Their political or religious beliefs are generally not a concern, and you may have very strong beliefs that are important to match.

The final choice is yours of course… and you will want to prepare for your talk.  You have your list of what you would like to get from this relationship, and you know some things about them.  Now you need to write down why you chose them, and some questions specifically about what you need, and how they might help.

Ask if you can make an appointment to speak with them, and bring along your lists.  Tell them what you’ve been working on, and the books you’ve been reading.  Speak to the things you admire about them, why you believe they can help you, and ask if they would be willing to mentor you. 

When they say yes, you will have to determine how much time they are willing and able to commit to you.  They may be able to meet with you every week, and they might only be able to give you a couple of hours each month.  Depending on your needs, you might want to have a few mentors, or you might need to find someone who can give you more time. 

You will be able to find one or more people who are willing to mentor you… don’t worry.  In taking with them you will agree on schedules that work for both of you.  Respect your mentor’s time!  Be early, and be prepared.  You will need to be brutally honest with them if they are to help you… do not waste their time by withholding information or lying to them.  Not only will that destroy your relationship with them, but it will also hurt your career goals.

You will ask your new mentor what they expect from you in this relationship, and how you can best help them help you.  You are the one doing the work, and the one who needs the help, so you will be the driving force in deciding what you ask of your new mentor… you have a lot of responsibility. 

Remember, you are 100% responsible for your relationship with your mentor.  If things aren’t going as well as you thought, you need to rethink your role.  Are you being completely honest?  Are you making the most of the opportunity?  Are you listening to the advice your mentor gives you?  It’s the same as your relationship with your significant other… if there are problems with your relationship, look at your part.  It does not help to look at your partner and find fault in what they are doing… you cannot control what they do.  You can only control what you do, so it only makes sense to look at your part.  What are you doing to make your relationship what you want it to be?  Are you treating them the way you want to be treated… the way they deserve to be treated?

As always, if you disagree with any of this, or have any questions, please leave a comment.

Oh… and if you like my blog, please ‘like’ my Facebook page.  The button is just up there at the top right.  I dare you to click it!  

Dealing with Conflict...

This is a great, concise description of how to deal with conflict resolution, as well as it's importance in Leadership. Well worth reading...

Dealing with Conflict...

Building Relationships and Emotional Bank Accounts

I first heard this phrase… emotional bank account, from an excellent Leader about 12 years ago.  I don’t know if Dr. Stephen R. Covey was the first to talk about this, and he has a great take on it, and worth checking out.  In fact we’ve been attempting to explain it to our 17 year old using the audio version of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change (25th Anniversary Edition) .  Anyway, it was her way of describing how relationships work, and it made perfect sense to me.  I have since used it many times to help developing Leaders understand more about relationships, the importance of trust and transparency, and admitting and fixing mistakes as soon as we make them.

In case this is new to you, I’ll attempt to explain it the way it was explained to me.  It’s a bit like a bank account, where we make deposits and withdrawals.  If we withdraw more than we have deposited, well… we have a deficit.  

For our emotional bank account, instead of money, we deposit other things, like trust, good will, guidance, honesty, transparency, and true care for the other.  Each time I helped one of my department team Leaders build a display, understand their margin problems without making them feel stupid of that their job was in danger, helped resolve a conflict with a team member, listened to understand without judgment, or helped with their long term goals, I made a deposit into our joint account.

There are so many ways to make deposits that I’ll just list a few more… when we show integrity and walk our talk; when we admit our mistakes; when we apologize, when we follow through; when we back them up; when we compliment and encourage them; and moving poor performers off the team quickly.

There are also many ways in which we make withdrawals, whether we are aware of them or not.  Some of them are simply when we fail to do the things listed above… when we constantly critique instead of compliment and encourage, when we fail to be transparent and hide our real agenda… I think this is a big one with to many of us; when we don’t make the time to listen to people; when we throw others under the bus; we when unintentionally hurt their feelings; when we forget an appointment; when we expect them to do as we say, and not as we do; and when we fail to value their goals, opinions, and feelings.

This account is so important because we are all human, and we are going to make mistakes.  We are all going to end up with hurt feelings, and unintentionally hurting other’s feelings.  We all forget, reschedule, and fail to communicate.  We may have the best of intentions, and they mean very little in the real world of feelings and perceptions.

So… our goal of course, is to be the best Leaders we can be, and make deposits into these emotional bank accounts as often as we can.  And yes… it can be tough to find the time.  For some of us, our boss may not value Leadership, and so the time needed to build these relationships and make these deposits can be very hard to come by.  What are we to do?

Knowing how tough it may be in the future, I start making deposits as soon as I possibly can.  The instant I hire a new person for the team, I not only begin indoctrinating them into the culture of the team, but also make sure they know how I feel about them.  I tell them straight out that I am very happy to have them on the team; that I chose them carefully out of all of the other applicants, and getting onto this team is not easy… they should be proud that they made it.  I will ensure them that I am very interested in helping them achieve their goals, and since we just finished the interview I can easily talk about them.  I make sure they know that I am confident in their ability to be successful on this team, and that I am looking forward to introducing them to the rest of the team, as well as being a part of their future success.

For many of us, after that it can be difficult to continue to make regular deposits for all of our team members.  So what should we do? 

I believe that it is necessary to focus on the small things… the things we would want for ourselves.  For instance, it is so easy to focus on the results, updates, and reports, and forget all about the person.  Because of that many of our team members, and perhaps we too, end up feeling constantly critiqued, and almost never thanked or encouraged.  We can use the ‘book of positives’ that I wrote about here to help us be more aware of the good things that are happening around us.

But what else can we do? 

We can end every meeting with appreciations.  I’ve talked a bit about this before, and it bears repeating.  I was introduced to this practice after starting at Whole Foods Market as an Associate Store Team Leader.  Every meeting ended in appreciations, and at first I wasn’t sure what to make of it… it was very foreign to me.  It didn’t take very long for me to see the positive effect these ‘appreciations’ had on not only store leadership and department team leaders, but also everyone in the store.

It was an opportunity to appreciate anyone and everyone.  So I might appreciate the young man shagging carts in the mornings, after I saw him sweeping the far corners of the parking lot without being asked.  Someone appreciated the a bakery team member, who had only been there a few weeks, and had asked if a prep table could be moved in order to have a better view of customers… That table had been in place for at least 4 years, and up to this point no one had noticed that working at it meant having your back to the customers.  A team leader might appreciate our store team Leader for grabbing a mop and bucket and cleaning up a mess in his department the previous Sunday… Every team member who witnessed that had a new found respect for our store team Leader.

After the meeting, we made sure that the appreciations for team members were given to each team member publicly, and rewarded with some token of thanks.  These appreciations went farther than I could have imagined bolstering egos, and maintaining the high morale in the store.  Everyone participated because the store team Leader and the rest of the store leadership team took them seriously, and arrived at every meeting with a variety of appreciations from the previous week.

What else can we do to fill our emotional bank accounts?  How do you fill them where you work?

How do we most often make withdrawals, and what is the penalty when we overdraw our account?

We make withdrawals in the ways listed above, as well as when we fail to give credit where it us due; when we try to push our agenda; try to manipulate others; when we are arrogant… this is a big one; when we break our promises, and/or have one set of expectations for our team members and another set for ourselves.  We withdraw when we attempt to hide the truth, or simply forget to be transparent; when we fail to greet team members by name… are we too big to get to know and remember their names? 

I have still have friends at one company where I used to work, and they all knew that one particular person was not doing well, and would be likely to lose her job… Do you think she knew?  No… it came as a complete surprise to her.  This kind of thing happens all too often, and was a double withdrawal… the people working there found out about her issues because someone in Leadership was inappropriate, and talked about personal issues to the wrong person.  So, everyone else thinks… how will they be talking about me?  This can be a pretty big withdrawal.  Secondly… this person was treated very poorly, and not given the chance to change whatever behavior was the problem, so now she will (rightfully?) be talking to everyone she knows about how she was treated, and some of those people she talks to will be customers, or possible future customers… we have not negatively impacted their perception of us.  A double whammy!

Sometimes it only takes one instance to completely wipe out whatever balance we might have built up, such as a lack of integrity, outright lying, or openly throwing another under the bus. 

We are all human, and we are all bound to make mistakes, big and small.  We hope that we will not commit a large wrong and lose our entire balance, however many small withdrawals over time will have the same effect. 

This is why it’s important to start making deposits as soon as you can, and put systems in place to ensure that you and your apprentices continue making deposits on a regular basis.  It’s also important to have a coach or mentor to keep us on track, talk through decisions, and bounce things off of before we get ourselves into trouble.

Oh… and if you like my blog, please ‘like’ my Facebook page.  The button is just up there at the top right.  I dare you to click it!